dear fucktard

Hey YOU!

I know these letters should be more formal

You know, ‘to whom it may concern’ and all that crap

But I think, since you kept me up until stupid o’clock this morning

I have earned the right to refer to you as ‘fucktard’

And yes, I mean YOU, stud-muffin in the room next door

There was a big, fancy wedding what a waste of money going on downstairs in the hotel last night

One of the groomsmen hooked up with one of the blinded by booze bridesmaids

They were in the room next to mine

It was an adjoining room, so it had a door between them, that was locked thank fucking christ

So their entire conversation could be heard from my room without me even having to put a glass up against the wall with no problem at all

So fucktard, I’m guessing you haven’t been laid in a while, yeah?

I mean, come on mate, I heard all your pick up lines clear as a bell

“I have a helicopter?”

What the fuck? I’m praying to God you’re a pilot and you weren’t talking about your penis

I’m shuddering to think what you do to it, to earn it the ‘helicopter’ name tag

But just as I was drifting off to sleep, you took it up a notch

Your volume that is

“I work out for 2 hours every day. It’s all about being in optimum shape when it comes time for the love train”

I nearly coughed up a lung oyster over that one. LOVE TRAIN? Oh dude, you are one piece of work

I imagine you bald, with a beer gut and a 2 inch dick at this point

With an extensive collection of extra large butt-plugs in your overnight bag

And the bridesmaid, well you young lady,  should be banned from ever drinking again

Either that, or you should have your license to use your vajay-jay revoked. Surely there are better things to do with your girly bits? You make me ashamed to spell my name J.E.N.N.Y W.O.M.A.N

Then you started with your juicy fruiting aerobics session

Maybe it was sex, I dunno. But you were grunting and groaning like a wild pig in heat

And wow, not 30 seconds later, SILENCE!

Aren’t you the dud fuck from hell stayer? NOT!

Man, I hope you gave your bridesmaid friend a refund

What a waste of a champagne buzz you turned out to be

I was just getting ready to print this note off and slip it under your door, when I hear you AGAIN next door

Only this time you’re on the phone

TO. YOUR. WIFE

Oh Mr Fucktard, you really ARE a cock sucking piece of shit?

So, I’ll just leave this at reception and ask them to forward it to your home address

.

.

And if you’re reading this Mrs Fucktard – you can do BETTER! you can thank me later…