dear santa

The girls and I spent some time writing out their letters to Santa the other day

Miss 4 wanted to know why I couldn’t just email him for her

I told her because it’s fucking traditional and fucking fun and you’ll love it God Dammit Santa prefers handwritten letters from kids

So we compromised, and she dictated hers to me

And she coloured the pictures and stuck on the stickers

Miss 6  writes pretty well now, so she took care of her own

When it was time to do the envelopes she wanted to know Santa’s address

I’m like, DUH! The North Pole dummy

And she said, DUH to you mummy you fucktard it’s not going to get there without the zip code

Oh, my bad

So I just made up some numbers

That I totally have to write down somewhere

So we give Santa the same zip code next year

‘Cause you know she’s going to get pissed know if I get it wrong

And for those of you not in the U.S…

Over here when you mail a letter – if you have the correct postage on it

You can just place it in your mail box in front of your house

And lift the little red flag up, to let the weirdo that delivers your mail postman know you have outgoing mail

Then he takes it and sends it for you

Very cool huh?

I know there’s Amercians reading this now that think the rest of the world are losers for not having this in their countries

But you know what?

In Australia, the liquor stores are DRIVE THRU!

That’s right baby – you don’t even get out of your car to buy your booze

Take THAT!!

Anyhoooo

So I told the girls to put their Santa letters in the mail box, and put the flag up for the weirdo that delivers our mail postman

And Miss 6 says, but Mummy, this is WAY too important to trust the weirdo that delivers our mail postman with

We HAVE to go to the post office and do it ourselves

Translation: Mummy HAS to go to the post office in sub-zero temperatures and line up with all the disorganised losers who are trying to mail out their Christmas shit too late a gazillion people just to send 2 letters to Santa

2 letters THAT DON’T EVEN GO ANY-FUCKING-WHERE!

But of course I did it

And lined up for 25 minutes

.

I’d so better be getting that Mother Of The Year Trophy back for Christmas

Who the fuck gave it to Courtney Love anyway?