duct tape

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of hire cars

They go faster, through red lights and do all sorts of other things that you wouldn’t dare do in your own car your own car can’t do

Another bonus is you don’t have any maintenance on them

Something goes wrong?

Ring up the company and get them to deliver you a new one. Yay!

Hollywood doesn’t think like me

And that’s why yesterday, before we left Scotland, he decided to check the oil on our hire car

And then found that the hood / bonnet whatever the fuck you call it wouldn’t shut properyl

He fiddled with it for a while

Then Dad decided to have a gander at it

Then Dad remembered he knows jack-shit about anything mechanical so he stopped pretending went back to what he was doing

So Mum tried to be a hero got the car’s manual out and had a quick read

And as you can see, I didn’t even get off my arse sat in the back seat and laughed at them took photos

I suggested just using duct tape

Everybody who’s lazy as fuck knows that shit fixes everything

Loose wires? Duct tape

Broken chair? Duct tape

Chipped fingernail? Duct tape

Noisy kids? Duct tape

So it was a no brainer to me. Broken hood on the hire car? Duct tape!

Apparently that’s a stupid suggestion so why don’t I just shut the fuck up not the way to go about it

So we drove like a fucking van full of pensioners to the nearest services

‘Cause Holly was worried about the hood flipping up into the windscreen while he was driving

Me? I had my video camera out just in case it DID happen

What a cool shot THAT would have made

So we get to the next lot of services and park

Then Hollywood tried to pick up a hooker asked some random dude a really nice man if he could help us out

The nice man fucked with it a bit checked it out

Walked back to his truck

Grabbed a big-rubber-mallet-hammer-thingy

Came back to our car and proceeded to bash the shit out of it

Now THAT’S how you get shit done I reckon

Anyhooo, whatever he did, it worked

The hood shut fine after he’d finished with it

Hollywood thanked the guy profusely, while Dad tried to slip him a few quid

And then I finally got off my arse got out of the car and tried to give him my roll of duct tape

‘Cause I wasn’t going to give him a friggin’ blow job for Christ’s sake as a small token of my appreciation

The poor bastard took one look at us all

Holly, with his freshly shined bald head

Dad, trying to give him money

And me, standing there with a roll of duct tape

And our nice little good samaritan took off running

And I’m all like, dude, if I was going to go to jail for kidnapping

It would be for David Beckham not be for your wrinkly old arse

Oh yeah, and thanks for your help!