I’m not one of those who gets shitty when the radio stations start playing Christmas carols
It’s never early enough I reckon
I have the radio on (loud) from morning ’til night this time of year
But I’ve always been a bit baffled by George Bush getting elected for a second term some of the more morbid Christmas songs
I always thought that songs for this season were meant to be cheery and upbeat
But every year, without fail they play some songs that would make you want to fall asleep with your head in the oven
One of them is called Christmas Shoes
It seriously is so depressing, it’s almost laughable
For those of you who haven’t heard it, it’s about a kid who goes into a shoe shop, to buy some shoes for his mum for Christmas
Nice idea, yeah?
Except the mother is DYING!
Oh the joy this song must bring
Sample lyric:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes
For my Mama please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir
Daddy says there’s not much time
She’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
When Mama meets Jesus tonight
OK, now PUT. DOWN. THE. RAZOR. BLADES.
Isn’t that shit just hideous?
.
But wait, there’s more
My other favourite is a little gem called Same Auld Lang Syne
It’s about a guy who runs into his ex-girlfriend at the grocery store
She drops her groceries, they grab a six pack and go drink it in her car
Oh yeah, and she’s MARRIED
Have you ever heard a nicer Christmas story?
Sample lyric:
She said she married an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn’t like to lie
And then their beer ran our, he kissed her and she drove off
Jingle fucking bells huh?
Apparently people actually call into the radio station and request this shit
I’m thinking they should be calling the suicide hotline
Nutjobs
My favourite Christmas song has always been I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS
An nice little happy ditty, that’s great fun for the girls & I to sing-a-long to in the car, at the top of our lungs
They’ll probably never talk to me again when they’re old enough to hear the JENNY TALIA version
But I know you guys won’t hold it against me
So, in the spirit of fucked up Christmas songs, I give you
I WANT A NEW SET OF TITS FOR CHRISTMAS
Your’e welcome
I also want a new set of helium-filled tits for Christmas…rock hard abs, firm ass, porcelin skin…and a HUGE Lotto win to dress the new hot bod! Santa NEVER gives me what I want…BASTARD!