back to work

Diamond and I are going on a little vacay next month

To the Bahamas

I know, you’re probably thinking

How romantic

Well, all I’m thinking about is

How THE FUCK AM I GOING TO WEAR A PAIR OF BATHERS IN PUBLIC

So, because I’m so totally fucking gifted at leaving things to the last minute

Except for Christmas shopping

I had that shit done in November

But shopping is FUN

Excercise?

Losing weight?

Well, I want need to lose 50 pounds

In under a month

.

I figured I could stop eating now

And just drink red wine ’til then

And I might stand a chance of pickling myself

.

But I don’t want to teach my girls bad habits

Like eating pizza for breakfast

And swearing like a female prisoner officer with PMS

And pulling your knickers out of your bum in public

Yeah, lucky I totally don’t do any of those things

.

I was doing so well before

Exercising like, oh I dunno

At least 10 days in a row

Which has got to be some kind of record for me

There was even one day there where I broke out in a sweat

Either that, or I fell asleep on the exercise bike and knocked over my water

Either way, my face was wet

.

Then I – as they say – ‘fell off the wagon’

What the fuck does that even MEAN?

Fell off the wagon?

Why not, FELL INTO THE FRIDGE, FACE FIRST, WITH MY MOUTH OPEN?

Or what about, FELL OFF THE TREADMILL AND WOKE UP AT FATCAMP

Anyhooo

I fell off the wagon BIG TIME

.

So I headed into the dungeon basement today

Where my fiercest enemy lives

No, not the vacuum cleaner

Although I think that’s where Diamond we keep it

.

And amongst all the shit boxes and crap stuff

Was this

It looks evil doesn’t it?

So I dust it off got it started

And I was going to blast out some Cyndi Lauper & Dolly Parton really cool tunes

When I remembered that Diamond had installed a totally pathetic cute

SEVEN INCH TV for me in there

Yo Diamond – did I not get you a 50 INCH PLASMA TV 2 CHRISTMASES AGO?

What the fuck dude?

7 inches?

God, sometimes I think you boys actually BELIEVE us when we tell you size doesn’t matter

.

And was diappointed was surprised to find it the treadmill still worked

‘Cause I actually got it for Christmas LAST YEAR

And was worried that because I’d never used it that I’d left it turned on for like, 11 MONTHS

So woo fucking hoo and happy, happy joy

It works fine

FUCK

But the whole 7 minutes half an hour I was on it

I was looking around the room

And checking out all the crap stuff we have stored down there

There’s Halloween decorations

Which remind me of candy

.

Easter decorations

Which remind me of chocolate

.

Valentine’s decorations

Which reminds me of candy AND chocolate

And I’m all like, fuck this shit

I quit

So I go upstairs and am faced with this

And this

And this

I mean shit, no ones will power is THIS strong

It’s lovely that people give you all of this at Christmas

But if they keep it up, I won’t be sending out any Christmas cards next year

On account of the fact that I spent all my postage money at JENNY CRAIG!!!

.

So, to keep me on the right track

I went to my room and got my favourite jeans out

That were too tight

I figured trying to squeeze into them might keep me motivated

And guess what?

Yep, they’re still too tight

.

Which proves to me that I need to stay away from the chocolate

.

I want my money back

My treadmill doesn’t fucking work