10 reasons

FYI – The title of this blog is not to be confused with my song

10 THINGS

I know, like you gave a shit right?

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Anyhoo

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You know how they say, ‘FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DRINK & DRIVE TEXT?’

It makes me soooo glad I’m not single

You go out with your mates

You get a few drinks in you

And all of a sudden you’re texting that loser you met last weekend

‘Cause he wrote his name on your arm with some kind of ink that you can’t wash the fuck off

And then you wake up the next day

To see that your 28 texts were successful

He’s coming by for breakfast!

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So while I don’t have this kind of dilema anymore

I have found a new way to fuck with embarrass myself

When I’ve consumed 2 bottles one too many merlots

Just like friends should take your cell phone off you when you’re single and drinking

My friends or somebody that gives a fuck should limit my access to any forms communication, including taping my mouth shut, when I’m partaking in alcoholic beverages

Let me give you the 10 reasons why

1. drunk shopping on amazon.com – it’s expensive, and you end up with 2 of everything for some reason
2. emailing your 6 year old’s kindy teacher to ask her, “what the fuck’s up with all the red corrections on my kid’s homework you fucking Nazi?”                                   
3. dropping over to your neighbours house at 2am to borrow a cup of bourbon
4. trying to put a saddle on your totally big enough, but petrified, dog and riding him to the liquor store at 7am
5. ‘pinky promising’ your 6 year old daughter that you will take her to church EVERY fucking Sunday for the rest of the year
6. trying on a bikini that you wore 8 years ago, that you can only get up to your knees
7. booking a trip online to Bahamas anyway (while wearing said bikini and polishing off the Christmas candy)                                                                                 
8. promising your 4 year old a kitten when really you totally hate cats – and then having to tell her it died before the postman got it to our house ’cause he forgot to put holes in the box. Fucking postman
9. agreeing to let your great Aunty pruney bitch face Joan come visit for Easter. And then having to call her back when you sobered up to tell her your house burnt down from the great Chicago winter bush fires of ’09
10. declaring to all your facebook friends that although you’re not a lesbian, your mistress is a bit dykey

So to all the mother fuckers my friends that let this shit happen

I hope you’re proud of yourselves