The hotel we stayed at on our trip had 6 restaurants and 4 bars
So, right there, you know why we picked it
One of the bars was a piano bar
I love piano bars
I met Diamond in a piano bar
I’ll tell you about one day (but not while Dad’s reading these blogs!)
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So they had this one guy playing, Heston
Just like Charlton Heston – but without the Charlton
Really cool dude
With the patience of a saint
‘Cause every night a bunch of drunks people sat around the piano singing so fucking badly it’d make your ears bleed
I gotta say, it was ridiculously entertaining
If you’re a fan of train wrecks people watching, it’s totally the shit!
We checked it out a few times while we were there
And every time, there was this one lady and her boyfriend there
Diamond and I tried to work out how old she was, but it was hard
Her face looked to be in her 30’s
But her hands were like 70
I’m thinking she spends a bit of time at her not very good plastic surgeon’s office
I’ll never understand why people, mainly women, go under the knife to try and look younger
When they generally end up looking atrocious, unnatural & a bit like a freak show
Anyhooo
Plastic Face was from Canada
And she worked in a piano bar there
So every night, she had to get up at least once, to show us her stuff
In all fairness, she wasn’t the Mayor of Sucktown
But she I think she went there for holidays
If I was sober could play the piano better I would have loved to got up and cranked out CAMEL TOE
And not just ’cause she was rocking one either
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But then
On the last night
After 12 hours of margaritas, daiquiris and any other drink that had an umbrella in it red wine
Had me in shit stirring mode
And feeling a bit bullet proof
And apparently a bit musical too
Because I slid right on that piano stool
And did a drunk as fuck pretty average version, of Plastic Face’s pretty fucking average version
Of Blue Moon
I will never be able to hear that song again without wincing and covering my ears
Bad doesn’t even begin to cover it
Not only am I now the Mayor of Sucktown
It backfired on me
‘Cause Plastic Face took my wailing like her it as a compliment
Gave me her number
And offered to give me piano & singing lessons if I’m ever in Canada
Like a mentor, she said
I mean, why WOULDN’T I want to BE her when I grow up?
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Dear God, I changed my mind
I DO WANT TO BE LIKE MY DAD
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I’ve come to realise that it’s better than the fucking alternative
How cool you are :)))