There’s a lot of jobs out there I’d love to have a go at
It’ll never happen
And not because I’m too old or dumb don’t have the education
Just ’cause I’m so busy, you know?
Jobs like, trophy chick at the oscars – ’cause you’d meet cool people and show of your rockin’ bod in a flash dress
Crocodile hunter – ’cause I look cute in khaki and can say fuck shit mother fucker CRIKEY really well
Helicopter pilot – so when I went to visit people, I’d just land on their roof. Bugger the driveway
Starbucks person – doesn’t really matter which person, as long as I get a starbucks tshirt, hat & free coffee
Minister for Immigration – ’cause I’m pretty sure the dickwad doing the job now doesn’t speak for me and is an academic arsewipe
Author – I’d write children’s books, and illustrate them myself too, cause I am the shit at drawing stick figures
The person who keeps Beyonce’s boobs from falling out – ’cause that is an artform. I watch that girl get all up in her bootilicious-ness and can’t believe that it’s just double sided tape telling her funbags to stay put
And there’s a lot of other jobs I’d like to try too
But the one I could never do?
.
A veterinarian
Who has to deal with 124 pound fur balls
With ear infections
And they have to stick stuff in the dog’s ear
To get this cack out
With NO GLOVES ON
And then when the dog tries to bite her – ’cause she’s got half her arm buried in the side of his head
She’s all, ooooh sweety, don’t be scared
And I’m thinking, scared? Lady, he’s about to bite your face off. You’re hurting him
But she keeps plodding away
Getting all the gunk out
Then she gives him some medicine – and some for me to take home for him
Gives us some instructions
And sends us on our way
But not before trying to shake my hand
EEEWWW!
So I’ve taken my hat off to a few people this week
And parents of sick kids
And now crazy people who do shit to my dog that I would NEVER do vets
I think I’ll stick to what I know
Which is drinkin’ bitchin’ and singin’!
Amen.