macaroni & cheese

Seven years ago today

I was a bloated mess

Pregnant, uncomfortable & 2 weeks over my due date

I was miserable

I went to bed and couldn’t sleep

I realised I was getting woken up every 10 minutes or so

And because I am a genius, it took me ’til 2 o’clock in the morning to realize what was keeping me awake

Contractions

DUH

They were 6 minutes apart & from what I could remember from the one & only birthing class we went to (Diamond kept making jokes during the real life birth video & I fell asleep = fail)

6 minutes apart meant, time to go to the hospital

We got in the car, no rush – I was feeling OK – and started the 20 minute drive to the hospital

It was the middle of the night, so no traffic to contend with

My contractions started coming pretty fast once we got in the car – like one after the other, after the other

After the fucking other

Game on

Diamond, excited to have permission, put the pedal to the medal and started to DUH-RIVE!

3 blocks later we were pulled over by the police

Diamond explained that his wife was in labor – the cop took one look at the moaning whale (me) in the passenger seat, and said, GO!

No babies on the side of the road for me thankyouverymuch

We got to the hospital – Diamond actually skidded into the emergency bay

I couldn’t get out of the car without help – so he bolted off to get me a wheelchair

I’m surprised he didn’t do a ‘Dukes of Hazzard butt slide’ across the front of the car

I got a wheelchair, checked in, and they sent me up to the labor ward

The head labor nurse (otherwise known as the mole from hell) said they couldn’t give me a room until they established that I was, in fact, IN labor

So while she was examining me ‘down there’ my water broke (or maybe I should say gushed) all over her head – then I threw up on her shoes

How do ya like me now?

So yeah, it was ‘established’ I was in labor and they gave me a room

My first order of business was to whine, nag & beg until they agreed to get me an epidural

I had heard that sometimes hospitals get busy, and if there’s an emergency delivery, the anesthesiologist can become flat out busy and unavailable for the ‘normal’ births

While I was hoping to have one of the ‘normal’ births, there was no-way-in-fucking-hell I was doing this shit without the drugs

Nuh-uh

Bring on the elephant tranquilizers

I had watched my best friend a few years before (because I was NEVER having kids and it didn’t matter if it put me off) give birth, and it was HO-RRI-BLE!

But watching her had me thinking, well, that’s worse case scenario – so there’s no way I’ll have it like that

2 hours later, after a bit if huffing and a puffing, a pushing and a whooshing – out she came

The end

I fucking WISH that was how it happened

Some 26 hours later

With Diamond not leaving my side once

My Mum standing there with the video camera that she never turned on

My Dad downstairs in the cafeteria entertaining the locals and taking bets on what time his new grand-baby would be born

Me, with more epidural top ups than I can remember

100+ stitches

And a level of exhaustion I had never known

Out she came

They took her away

I finally got to hold her after a few hours

Then she was in ICU for a few says

Then she was ours

She is so smart

So interested in EVERYTHING

So funny

So inquisitive

So pretty

So tall

So determined

So good to her little sister

And my favourite thing?

When she walks with me

She ALWAYS holds my hand

She just wraps her beautiful long fingers around mine, and leans into me

She’s 7 today

And like Mrs Magoo

She wants to be called by her ‘Poppy’ name

So Happy Birthday Mrs Macaroni & Cheese

I love being your Mummy…