my kiwi edu-ma-cation

Things that New Zealand has taught me

1. My credit card will forever cry out in pain whenever I walk into a Pumpkin Patch but Macaroni & Magoo will look cute
2. Electric blankets do not a husband make, but damn they’re awesome on cold nights
3. Nothing puts Mum into a tail spin like a faulty washing machine, or a dicky iron
4. And while we’re on the subject of Mum, don’t fuck with her, you WILL lose
5. When in NZ, apparently it’s the Australians who become the sheep shaggers (like fuck we do)
6. All Māori people can sing. Without exception, really, really well
7. Driving through NZ is like being in the middle of a big arse, month long postcard. Not one day has gone by without some kind of mind blowing scenery
8. Kiwi crowds are THE best to try out new songs on. You can blame 3/4 of the next album on them!
9. I can eat rack of lamb for dinner EVERY FUCKING NIGHT thankyouverymuch
10. THE most essential tool I have for touring is Skype
11. This country is like a second home for Mum & Dad – complete with friends in every town & city – and you know what that means….morning tea and scones…huzzah!
12. NZ is the only country I’ve been to more than twice, where I still souvineer shop. I can’t get enough of the artwork over here….lurve it! Diamond if you’re reading this, Imma gonna need a bigger house!
13. Māoris make THE cutest babies on the planet but I couldn’t find where to buy one
14. It doesn’t matter if you go to the gym every day, the rack of lamb and hokey pokey will always win and my pants will come a fat second
15. 8 out of 10 TV channels have rugby showing, 24 hours a day
16. I’ve always believed that Aussies have the best sense of humour on the planet…but I think it might just be a draw now with our Kiwi cousins, funny fuckers
17. When I’m cold I whinge. A LOT
18. Yelling your box off at the GPS will get you nowhere. I’m serious, we’ve been to nowhere at least 5 times this trip
19. For a country that, since we’ve been here, has had an earthquake, a tornado and been covered in an ash cloud fuck, maybe we’re bad luck? – the peeps here do NOT STOP SMILING. And it’s contagious                                                                                                                                                                     
20. You CAN do a u-turn on a major freeway if your in your sixties and your life’s motto is DILLIGAF
21. When Dad starts over-sharing with gems like, “Man, my nut sack was on the wrong side of my pants for the whole second half of my show tonight. Talk about uncomfortable” – it must be nearly time to go home