pucker up….you eight legged little bastard

I never really understood why people get plastic surgery

I mean, I get that people want to change things about themselves, and they feel that plastic surgery will give the  the improvements they’re looking for

But not me
I am WAY to much of a pussy for that shitz
After popping out two babies, one ‘naturally’ (there’s nothing natural abut that shit) and one out the sunroof
I would never, EVER intentionally go under the knife….like, by CHOICE
Nuh-uh
Nev-arrrrr

Which is why I find myself explaining my face to people today
Apparently a lot of people are fans of the bee-stung-lips-look

My lips are usually pretty chubby anyway
But today…they’re extra plump
Thanks to a spider bite on my top lip

Yep, fuck BEE stings
Fuck collagen
Imma go all out and get some of NATURE’S best poison in my face
Courtesy of itsy-bitsy-what-was-that-fucker-doing-in-my-bed-last-night-spider

Today I plan to fumigate & scrub every surface of my house
In the hopes that any and ALL spiders and other little mofos that like to bite in the middle of the night
DIE
Sorry, I’m not much of a creepy crawly whisperer
I don’t ‘relocate’ bugs
I kill the fuckers

Even if they do give me extra pouty Angelina Jolie lips
Which Imma enjoy while I can
Which would explain why I’m sitting in the car, waiting for Macaroni to come out of Orchestra camp, taking selfless of my face
When life gives you lemons
Buy more lip gloss!

‘Cause Google (do not Google spider bite on lips…no serisously….do NOT. Whatever, off you go then) tells me they’ll probably turn black and drop of within the next 24 hours