hovercraft

No, not this kind of hovercraft

I’m referring to the CRAFT of HOVERING

All the girls know what I mean

Boys, you’re lucky enough to probably never have had to do it

 

Let me explain

Whenever a girl has to go to a public toilet

She gets ready to HOVER

Because from the outside, most toilets look OK

But on the inside

Oh my fucking GOD!

(OK, maybe not this bad)

And if you could hold it in you would

But having had babies and being drunk makes it difficult sometimes to keep it all in, you know?

So when you gotta go, you gotta go

That’s where the CRAFT of HOVERING comes in to play

I’ve been doing it since I was a kid

My mum would take me to the toilet if we were out somewhere

And while I wet my pants waited, she’d methodically lay sheets of toilet paper down all over the seat, so my bum wouldn’t touch any part of it

But even with all that, I’d STILL have to hover

For you boys, that means weeing WITHOUT any part of you touching the seat

I know, what the fuck right?

When I was little, mum would have to hold me over the toilet

Now I have to do it myself

Just imagine a kangaroo

I really uncomfortable, wobbly kangaroo

With cramps in it’s legs

You get the idea

‘Cause not all public toilets look like this

When faced with a full bladder

And this

There’s bound to be a bit of acrobatics involved

Like today

In the David Jones (department store) public toilets

It’s a long and fucking embarrassing story

Just know that by trying to avoid getting any germs on me

I pulled 3 muscles, have a bruise the size of Tasmania on my arse, and ended up landing face first on the empty toilet roll holder

Awesome

You can stop laughing now mother fuckers!

So while I love being a girl

Having boobs

Having babies

Having PMS

Having the last word

 

There ARE days where it would be nice to have a penis 

And to be able to scratch my balls piss wherever I wanted